i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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