I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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