Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
