i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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