Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
