Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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