1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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