i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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