my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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