You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
