Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
