She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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