you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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