halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
