My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
