he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
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You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
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I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I deserve this hangover.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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