Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
