I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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