PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
