not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
