He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
