Betty ford says i'm here all night
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
