Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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