Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
