Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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