i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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