now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
