found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
