I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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