she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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