my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
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So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
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had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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