So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
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Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
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I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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