he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
