I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
