just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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