I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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