I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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