Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
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Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
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