My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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