now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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