totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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