You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
