i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
