I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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