Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
