TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
