Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
