he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
