My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
