my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
