My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
