Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
