Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
