I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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