Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
