I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
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And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
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Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
did you just send me my own nude
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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