But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
