So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
