I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
