Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
