He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
