Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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