You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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