THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
