I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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