I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
