my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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